Serious_Fun

Counting down the hottest red multiplayer cards in Saviors, Trimp-style.

You’re Fired!

  • Boards
  • Print
Author Image

Scriptwriter's Notes On Today's Offering:

The letter H!as anyone out there ever written a script?

If you have, you know what a pain in the neck it is – even if you never had to work alongside Rosewater during his "Roseanne" salad days. The format is very different from typical prose, such as a novel or article. Even with the slight changes we've made for readability online (so yes, we know, what you're about to read isn't quite by-the-book format-wise), it's clumsy to write in. Why, it's no wonder George Lucas's movie scripts come out half-baked. Poor guy! They probably look killer when they're laid out in normal paragraphs. (Okay, maybe not.)

My point here is – well, I have two points. First, this article represents effort disproportionate to its size. I know some people who've never written anything longer than a message board rant are going to pan it; but we'll all try to live with their disapproval.

Second, when you put this much effort into something, the last thing you want to see is someone steal your thunder – say, by ignoring your plainly written message to ALL SITE WRITERS that YOU were going to be the one who used the "You're Fired!" angle to "Fired Week". What would make your blood really boil is if the writer who decided to blow off your PROPERLY FORMATTED AND SUBMITTED CLAIM ON A SPECIFIC ARTICLE ANGLE ran his own substandard, MIT-geek-inspired, "joke"-filled heaps of literary waste THE DAY BEFORE YOUR OWN ARTICLE RAN.

I mean, that would really tick you off, wouldn't it? Perhaps you'd share that irritation with someone. Perhaps you'd say (to no one in particular, except maybe the site editor): "Explain to me again how exactly readers benefit from reading that goober's articles? And what the $@%& is he doing on Tuesdays, anyway? Tuesdays were MY day. People were HAPPY on Tuesdays. Now they're MISERABLE. I mean, Scott Wills on the same day is good, but he can't make up for this other guy. I mean, cucumbers as a visual gag? Are you *#$@ing kidding me? Who is he, Gallagher?"

You might also give fair warning to this writer who inexplicably precedes you that if he pulls a stunt like that again, you will start a new Wednesday article series on magicthegathering.com called "The Day After", which will review his ghastly Tuesday articles and explain what baleful symptoms may visit those unfortunate web browsers who stumble upon this man's columns and attempt to take his "delightfully erratic", "whimsically imprudent", "deck"-"building" "advice".

Enough about the hack. On to today's business.


OPENING SCENE

A dark boardroom. The walls are rich mahogany, the chairs are deep leather, the table is stark confrontation. On one side of the table sits MR. TRIMP, a brilliant but aging executive desperately clinging to every scrap of youth he can find. His suit and makeup are impeccable, but do no good whatsoever. On either side of MR. TRIMP are his CRONIES (#1 and #2), sycophants who dress the part in matching skirt- and pant-suits, respectively. Because they are younger, their clothes and make-up work on a surface level, neatly covering the voids within.

MR. TRIMP
All right, let's bring them in.

CRONY #2 gets up from his chair, feeling a bit too much like a secretary. Shouldn't the other crony – the woman – be doing this? He opens the door and speaks to the small huddle of Magic: the Gathering card avatars waiting in the well-appointed lobby.

CRONY #2
Mr. Trimp will see you now.

Eleven avatars follow CRONY #2 into the boardroom and take their places on the opposite side of the table from MR. TRIMP and his cronies. Before they can even sit down, MR. TRIMP stands up and points to one of the larger ones.

MR. TRIMP
You! You're fired!

HIDETSUGU'S SECOND RITE lowers his ogre-like head, slumps his broad shoulders, and leaves the room.

MR. TRIMP
(glaring at
the outcast
avatar until
the door closes)
We'll have no cheap parlor tricks in this competition, ladies and gentlemen. Nosiree. This is New York City, and if you want to sit at the big boys' and girls' table, you have to come ready to play.

CRONY #1
That's right, boss!

CRONY #2 thinks about offering something else, but then decides she beat him to the punch and anything else would look too obvious. Snarling, he turns to the remaining ten avatars.

CRONY #2
Siddown!

They take their seats in alphabetical order, from left to right facing Mr. Trimp: ADAMARO, FIRST TO DESIRE; AKKI DRILLMASTER; CAPTIVE FLAME; HOMURA, HUMAN ASCENDANT; JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME; PATH OF ANGER'S FLAME; SKYFIRE KIRIN; SOKENZAN RENEGADE; THOUGHTS OF RUIN, and UNDYING FLAMES.

MR. TRIMP
You're all here today because you believe you have what it takes to stand out in a group. You believe you're the cream of the red crop. You believe you're ready for the big time.

He leans in.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Well, I'm here to tell you: nine of you are wrong. DEAD WRONG!

He lets this dramatic if somewhat stale statement settle in for a bit, and then continues.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
And who's better to tell you than me? Who else would you trust your future to? Who else can you depend upon to make your dreams come true? Yourselves? HA! You're on a "reality show", so you obviously can't lean on the pillar of self-esteem. No, you need someone who's so arrogant and self-centered, any opinion or judgment he renders on someone else would have to be fair and unbiased, because when would he have the time to form any other opinion?

The ten avatars and two cronies nod their heads in mass understanding. This only makes sense.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Now, you ten have undertaken a variety of tasks and projects today. The results have been, to be extremely generous, mixed. Because of your uneven accomplishments, nine of you will lose your jobs today. The last card standing will have a place in one of my decks, with an annual salary of 100,000 official goblin tokens and all the booster packs you can bust open.

PATH OF ANGER'S FLAME warily raises a hand. MR. TRIMP nods impatiently.

PATH OF ANGER'S FLAME
But how can you fire us, when we don't work for you right now? I mean, "firing" isn't really the right word, is it? It's more like you're done exploiting our fragile emotional selves for personal –

MR. TRIMP
Silence! You're finished being exploi – I mean, you're fired! Get out! Get out get out get OUT!

PATH leaves in a state of bewilderment.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Let's get to business. First off, who can explain the failure today during upkeep? Jiwari, you were the project manager. Why did your team fail?

JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME
It wasn't my fault! I did nothing wrong! Everybody else on my team sucks! I told them and I told them and I told them but nobody listened! Finally, I had to do everything myself! I was the only good one! My life would be swell if there weren't any other people around!

MR. TRIMP
Very well, I shall reward your lack of any sense of responsibility by firing your least favorite team member. Who shall it be?

JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME points to the two sorceries THOUGHTS OF RUIN and UNDYING FLAMES, who look absolutely shocked at this betrayal.

JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME
Either one of them! They're both too slow! They couldn't get the job done!

MR. TRIMP
All right. Ruin, it's simple. You don't pull your own weight. You're destructive to your own team, you don't get along with anyone, and you leave problems for others to settle.

Thoughts of Ruin...you're fired!

THOUGHTS OF RUIN gets up, growling at JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME, and leaves the room. UNDYING FLAMES sits back and breathes a small sigh of relief.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Not so fast, Mr. Flames. Jiwari your project manager also pointed to you as part of the problem. Here's what I think is wrong with you. In your work, it's all about you. You don't give anyone else a chance to do anything. That would be fine if you could get the job done quickly. But you can't. You're too...erratic.

Undying Flames...you're fired!

UNDYING FLAMES gets up and leaves. On his way out of the room, he smacks JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME on the back of the head.

UNDYING FLAMES
And there's more where that came from, jerk.

MR. TRIMP
All right, let's examine what went wrong with the second team. Adamaro, you and your team members were a shambles during the pre-combat main phase. You were supposed to gather the troops together and ready them for combat. What happened?

ADAMARO, FIRST TO DESIRE
Well, first, I take full responsibility for everything that happened. That said, it wasn't my fault! Skyfire Kirin didn't hold up her end of the bargain – she got one or two creatures on our side, but then they wouldn't do anything! And Sokenzan Renegade – he wasn't even around! He never showed up!

MR. TRIMP
Mr. Renegade, what do you have to say for – where did he go?

CRONY #1 leans in and whispers to MR. TRIMP.

CRONY #1
He left. There's another meaningless reality show on with higher ratings.

MR. TRIMP
Cripes, that's cold. Okay...he's fired. Also, Skyfire Kirin, you over-promised and under-delivered. While you did accomplish part of your work, you just don't have the abilities necessary for success. Nothing you do lasts. Plus, I don't like unicorns.

SKYFIRE KIRIN
I'm not a unicorn! I'm a revered symbol in a set of cultural beliefs that dates back thousands –

MR. TRIMP
I'm bored listening to you. But I like your moxie. If you want to sell drinks down at my casino, I think I can find you a position. But for this job...you're fired!

SKYFIRE KIRIN stomps her hoof, snorts, and flies out of the room. On her way out, she steals CRONY #2.

MR. TRIMP
Looking at the third team, I have to say: I'm impressed. Sort of. Okay, I'm not. In fact, you know what? I'm hugely disappointed. Cripes, Homura, what happened? Your team failed. Why?

HOMURA, HUMAN ASCENDANT
Um, actually, Mr. Trimp, our team achieved all of our objectives – and in fact, surpassed several of them.

MR. TRIMP
Spoken like a loser and a whiner. I'll get the real story from your team members. You – shorty – tell me what happened.

AKKI DRILLMASTER shrugs his shoulders.

AKKI DRILLMASTER
What can say? We do good. Homura come out. I give haste. Homura attack right away.

He points to the third team member, CAPTIVE FLAME.

AKKI DRILLMASTER
(continuing)
Captive Flame pump. Homura take down huge blocking creature, then die, then come back and help everyone else. What else you want – Fumiko in revealing leotard?

MR. TRIMP
(to CRONY #1)
Can we get her?

CRONY #2 comes back into the room and sits down.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
All right, here's my decision. The guy who can't speak proper English? You're fired.

Surprised, AKKI DRILLMASTER points to himself.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Yeah, that's right. You. Outta here. You'd look great on top of one of my fountains, though. Talk to the attractive girl outside. She'll set you up.

As for the rest of you – Homura, you'll learn the business world is based in logic. The other teams didn't perform, so I fired the team members and left the team leaders to the final round. You say your team met its objectives, so that means I should fire you, and keep one of your team members on.

HOMURA, HUMAN ASCENDANT
(sputtering)
But that...that makes no sense...we...I

MR. TRIMP
Sell it somewhere else. We've got a business to run here. And no one understands business like me. I built this town. Then I built Atlantic City. Then I tore down Atlantic City and put up a popsicle stand, because I could. And then I rebuilt Atlantic City, but I made it look like a really crappy version of the least attractive parts of Las Vegas. It takes a special sort of business genius to make that happen, Mr. Homura. It's...I can't think of the word for it...how do you say it?

CRONY #1
Shameless gluttony?

MR. TRIMP
Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway, Homura, you're...done. Gone. Outta here. Finished. Kaput.

CRONY #2
Um, Mr. Trimp...you need to use the tagline, or you don't get paid.

MR. TRIMP
Ugh. Fine. Homura...you're fired.

HOMURA, HUMAN ASCENDANT and the AKKI DRILLMASTER leave. Mr. Trimp turns to the three last avatars.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
You three are still here because you don't make me quite as violently ill as the other seven did. Explain yourselves to me, so I can make a decision, close this shop, and go home to a nice bubble bath in a 10,000 gallon hot tub, where my next supermodel wife will serenade me with a professional violin concerto while wearing a leather bikini. The bikini will have "T" stamped all over it, of course. That's for Trimp. I don't want to forget my name. I don't want her to forget it, either. I'd like the bubble bath to keep it in mind as well.

Anyway, violin music is classy, and that's what I'm all about.

There is a long silence.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
All right, speak up! Sell yourselves. Why should I invest in you?

CAPTIVE FLAME
I'm tried and tested.

MR. TRIMP
You're good, but you're a rehash. You don't speak to the new generation. Business is always changing, my friend. You're fired.

ADAMARO, FIRST TO DESIRE
I'm wacky!

MR. TRIMP
You're inconsistent. You start off well, but you're no finisher. You don't have the fortitude or persistence required to succeed in a town where the stock market crashes at the slightest sign of trouble. You're fired.

JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME
I'm all you've got left.

MR. TRIMP
True. But I like you for other reasons, Jiwari. First, you're flexible – you can use pinpoint accuracy to get the job done, or you can take a flamethrower to the whole business and start all over. You're also efficient for what you do, and it's easy for you to handle repeat business.

ADAMARO, FIRST TO DESIRE and CAPTIVE FLAME leave, dejected. MR. TRIMP stands up shakes JIWARI, THE EARTH AFLAME's hand.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
Jiwari, you're hired! Now let's celebrate with martinis and those miniature hot dogs on toothpicks.

He motions to both CRONIES.

MR. TRIMP
(continuing)
You two - find me a chihuahua I can gold plate. Chihuahua - now that's a classy dog.


Anthony has only ever watched one full episode of THE APPRENTICE, and that only under duress from his big sister, who absolutely has to watch every piece of turd the broadcast networks pump out, even when she's not in her own house. Naturally, this is still one more episode of THE APPRENTICE than any one who writes a bad column on Tuesdays has ever watched. (Scott Wills, incidentally, has watched every second of THE APPRENTICE and cried when Tana was fired.)

Of course, for legal purposes, these facts have no bearing whatsoever on this article. Honestly, when you think about it, what a strange thing for us to mention! As if THE APPRENTICE or any other crappy reality show has anything to do with what's been written here today. Not at all! Honestly, that Anthony's just off in a la-la land where people make parodies of things that don't truly exist. Heh heh, right, Anthony? You card, you.

"Mr. Trimp" is a registered trademark of the Trump Corporation.


Anthony Alongi has been playing multiplayer Magic for over seven years, and has been writing for much longer than that. His new fantasy young adult novel, Jennifer Scales and the Ancient Furnace, was co-written with his wife MaryJanice Davidson, and comes out August 2005 from Berkley Books. .

  • Planeswalker Points
  • Facebook Twitter
  • Gatherer: The Magic Card Database
  • Forums: Connect with the Magic Community
  • Magic Locator