Unhinged

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Name Color Cost Type P/T Rules Text Flavor Text Rarity # Artist
Look at Me, I’m R&D W 2 Mana White Mana Enchantment   As Look at Me, I’m R&D comes into play, choose a number and a second number one higher or one lower than that number.
All instances of the first chosen number on permanents, spells, and cards in any zone are the second chosen number.
  R 17  
Framed! U 1 Mana Blue Mana Instant   Tap or untap all permanents by the artist of your choice. Who knew an 8˝ by 10˝ could feel like a 2˝ by 4˝? C 33 Alan “Don’t Feel Like You Have to Pick Me” Pollack
Mouth to Mouth U 3 Mana Blue Mana Sorcery   You and target opponent have a breath-holding contest. If you win, you gain control of target creature that player controls. Interesting tidbit: Surveys show that the card Ow has one of the most popular pieces of flavor text in the Unglued expansion. U 40 Alan Pollack
World-Bottling Kit A 5 Mana Artifact   5 Mana , Sacrifice World-Bottling Kit: Choose a Magic set. Remove from the game all permanents with that set’s expansion symbol except for basic lands. YOUR AD HERE R 133 Alan Rabinowitz
Six-y Beast R 3 Mana Red Mana Creature — Beast 0/0 As Six-y Beast comes into play, you secretly put six or fewer +1/+1 counters on it, then an opponent guesses the number of counters. If that player guesses right, sacrifice Six-y Beast. Is it six? U 89 Anson Maddocks
Stop That B Black Mana Instant   Target player discards a card.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent audibly flicks the cards in his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Stop That from your graveyard to your hand.
Now for a squirt of lemon juice. C 63 Anson Maddocks
Touch and Go R 3 Mana Red Mana Sorcery   Destroy target land.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent touches his or her face, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Touch and Go from your graveyard to your hand.
Judge’s ruling: The interior of the face still counts as the face, so a nose-pick is legitimate grounds for saying “Gotcha!” C 90 Ben Thompson
Dumb Ass R 2 Mana Red Mana Creature — Donkey Barbarian 3½/2 At the beginning of your upkeep, flip a coin. If you lose the flip, target opponent chooses whether Dumb Ass attacks this turn. Envying the intelligence of goblins is a bad place to be. C 75 Bradley Williams
Form of the Squirrel G Green Mana Enchantment   As Form of the Squirrel comes into play, put a 1/1 green Squirrel creature token into play. You lose the game when it leaves play.
Creatures can’t attack you.
You can’t be the target of spells or abilities.
You can’t play spells.
  R 96 Carl Critchlow
Meddling Kids Z 2 Mana White Mana Blue Mana Creature Human Child 2/3 As Meddling Kids comes into play, choose a word with four or more letters.
Nonland cards with the chosen word in their text box can’t be played.
These kids know their four-letter words. R 118 Christopher Moeller
Booster Tutor B Black Mana Instant   Open a sealed Magic booster pack, reveal the cards, and put one of those cards into your hand. (Remove that card from your deck before beginning a new game.) Real men use Arabian Nights boosters. U 51 Christopher Rush
Collector Protector W 3 Mana White Mana White Mana Creature — Human Gamer 2/5 White Mana , Give an opponent a nonland card you own from outside the game: Prevent the next 1 damage that would be dealt to you or Collector Protector this turn. “Here—have a Mudhole.” R 7 Christopher Rush
Kill! Destroy! B 1 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Instant   Destroy target nonblack creature.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says “Kill” or “Destroy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Kill! Destroy! from your graveyard to your hand.
Getting “Gotcha’ed” again and again. U 58 Corey D. Macourek
The Fallen Apart B 2 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Creature — Zombie 4/4 The Fallen Apart comes into play with two arms and two legs.
Whenever damage is dealt to The Fallen Apart, remove an arm or a leg from it.
The Fallen Apart can’t attack if it has no legs and can’t block if it has no arms.
  C 55 Corey D. Macourek
S.N.O.T. G Green Mana Creature — Ooze *²/*² As S.N.O.T. comes into play, you may stick it onto another creature named S.N.O.T. in play. If you do, all those creatures form a single creature.
S.N.O.T.’s power and toughness are equal to the square of the number of S.N.O.T.s stuck together. (One is a 1/1, two are a 4/4, three are a 9/9, and four are a 16/16.)
  C 111 Cyril Van Der Haegen
Togglodyte A 3 Mana Artifact Creature — Golem 4/4 Togglodyte comes into play turned on.
Whenever a player plays a spell, toggle Togglodyte’s ON/OFF switch.
As long as Togglodyte is turned off, it can’t attack or block, and all damage it would deal is prevented.
  U 129 Dan Frazier
Who/What/When/
Where/Why
B   Instant   Who
oXoW
Instant
Target player gains X life.
-----
What
o2oR
Instant
Destroy target artifact.
-----
When
o2oU
Instant
Counter target creature spell.
-----
Where
o3oB
Instant
Destroy target land.
-----
Why
o1oG
Instant
Destroy target enchantment.
  R 120 Dan Frazier
Bosom Buddy W 3 Mana White Mana Creature — Elephant Townsfolk 1/4 Whenever you play a spell, you may gain ½ life for each word in that spell’s name. “Step 1: I believe in a power and toughness greater than myself . . . .” U 3 Dan Scott
Letter Bomb A 6 Mana Artifact   When Letter Bomb comes into play, sign it and shuffle it into target player’s library. That player reveals each card he or she draws until Letter Bomb is drawn. When that player draws Letter Bomb, it deals 19½ damage to him or her. “Dear Magic R&D, . . .” R 122 Daniel Gelon
Keeper of the Sacred Word G 2 Mana Green Mana Creature — Human Druid 2/3 As Keeper of the Sacred Word comes into play, choose a word.
Whenever an opponent says the chosen word, Keeper of the Sacred Word gets +3/+3 until end of turn.
This is not a subliminal message. C 101 Dany Orizio
Bloodletter B 2 Mana Black Mana Creature — Zombie 2/3 When the names of three or more nonland permanents begin with the same letter, sacrifice Bloodletter. If you do, it deals 2 damage to each creature and each player. “That’s not an A, it’s an Æ. Wait, don’t—”
—Hœbrus Væm, Ærathi librarian, last words
C 50 Daren Bader
Mother of Goons B 2 Mana Black Mana Creature — Human Cleric 3/2 Whenever a creature an opponent controls is put into a graveyard from play, sacrifice Mother of Goons unless you insult that creature. “Word to me.” C 59 Darrell Riche
Working Stiff B 1 Mana Black Mana Creature — Mummy 2/2 As Working Stiff comes into play, straighten your arms.
When you bend an elbow, sacrifice Working Stiff.
Oh, does your nose itch? U 68 Darrell Riche
Duh B Black Mana Instant   Destroy target creature with reminder text. (Reminder text is any italicized text in parentheses that explains rules you already know.) Will players understand that the creature is being crushed by two parentheses?
Not a chance.
C 52 Dave Dorman
Richard Garfield, Ph.D. U 3 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Legendary Creature — Human Designer 2/2 You may play cards as though they were other Magic cards of your choice with the same mana cost. (Mana cost includes color.) You can’t choose the same card twice. And yea he doth spake: “Let there be Magic.” R 44 Dave Dorman
Bursting Beebles U 2 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Beeble 2/2 Bursting Beebles is unblockable as long as defending player controls two or more nonland permanents that share an artist. Like thousands of others, the beebles quit Magic for several years following the release of the Mercadian Masques set. C 28 David “Beeblemania” Martin
Aesthetic Consultation B Black Mana Instant   Name an artist. Remove the top six cards of your library from the game, then reveal cards from the top of your library until you reveal a card by the named artist. Put that card in your hand, then remove all the other cards revealed this way from the game.   R 48 David “Help Me” Martin
Yet Another Æther Vortex R 3 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Enchantment   All creatures have haste.
Players play with the top card of their libraries revealed.
Noninstant, nonsorcery cards on top of a library are in play under their owner’s control in addition to being in that library.
It puts the “vortex” in “flavortext.” R 91 David Day
Supersize G 1 Mana Green Mana Instant   Target creature gets +3½/+3½ until end of turn. You want “mise” with that? C 113 DiTerlizzi
Ass Whuppin’ Z 1 Mana White Mana Black Mana Sorcery   Destroy target silver-bordered permanent in any game you can see from your seat. Asses to ashes,
Donkeys to dust.
R 117 Don Hazeltine
Stone-Cold Basilisk G 4 Mana Green Mana Creature — Basilisk 2½/5 Whenever Stone-Cold Basilisk blocks or becomes blocked by a creature with fewer letters in its name, destroy that creature at end of combat. (Punctuation and spaces aren’t letters.)
Whenever an opponent reads Stone-Cold Basilisk, that player is turned to stone until end of turn. Stoned players can’t attack, block, or play spells or abilities.
  U 112 Don Hazeltine
Cheatyface U Blue Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Creature — Efreet 2/2 You may sneak Cheatyface into play at any time without paying for it, but if an opponent catches you right away, that player may remove Cheatyface from the game.
Flying
  U 30 Doug Chaffee
Magical Hacker U 1 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Human Gamer 1/2 Blue Mana : Change the text of target spell or permanent by replacing all instances of + with -, and vice versa, until end of turn. 1|= y()u (4|\| r3@d 7#][5, y0|_| /\r3 @ IVI0/\/$+3|2 &33|< U 37 Doug Chaffee
Spell Counter U 2 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Instant   Counter target spell.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says “Spell” or “Counter,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Spell Counter from your graveyard to your hand.
Playing Unhinged, . . . U 46 Doug Chaffee
Blast from the Past R 2 Mana Red Mana Instant   Madness Red Mana, cycling 1 ManaRed Mana, kicker 2 ManaRed Mana, flashback 3 ManaRed Mana, buyback 4 ManaRed Mana
Blast from the Past deals 2 damage to target creature or player.
If the kicker cost was paid, put a 1/1 red Goblin creature token into play.
  R 72 Douglas Schuler
Old Fogey G Green Mana Green Mana Summon Dinosaur 7/7 Phasing, cumulative upkeep 1 Mana, echo, fading 3, bands with other Dinosaurs, protection from Homarids, snow-covered plainswalk, flanking, rampage 2 “These kids today with their collector numbers and their newfangled tap symbol. Twenty Black Lotuses and twenty Plague Rats. Now that’s real Magic.” R 106 Douglas Schuler
Fascist Art Director W 1 Mana White Mana White Mana Creature — Human Horror 2/2 White Mana White Mana : Fascist Art Director gains protection from the artist of your choice until end of turn.. Dear Mr. and Mrs. Cranford,
After careful analysis of Jeremy’s vocational testing, I feel that he is best suited for a career in either torture or art direction.
C 11 Edward P. “Feed Me” Beard, Jr.
Man of Measure W 1 Mana White Mana White Mana Creature — Human Knight 2/2 As long as you’re shorter than an opponent, Man of Measure has first strike and gets +0/+1.
As long as you’re taller than an opponent, Man of Measure gets +1/+0.
You need to be this tall to play this card. C 18 Edward P. Beard, Jr.
Question Elemental? U 2 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Creature — Elemental 3/4 Flying
Are you aware that when you say something that isn’t a question, the player who first points out this fact gains control of Question Elemental?
“What the . . . ?” U 43 Edward P. Beard, Jr.
Goblin S.W.A.T. Team R 3 Mana Red Mana Creature — Goblin Warrior 2/2 Say “Goblin S.W.A.T. Team”: Put a +1/+1 counter on Goblin S.W.A.T. Team unless an opponent swats the table within five seconds. Play this ability only once each turn. They put the “special” in special weapons and tactics. C 80 Eric Deschamps
Pygmy Giant R 1 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Creature — Giant 0/2 Red Mana , Tap, Sacrifice a creature: Pygmy Giant deals X damage to target creature, where X is a number in the sacrificed creature’s text box. “487. You’re welcome.”
—Bucky, flavor text writer
U 85 Eric Deschamps
Atinlay Igpay W 5 Mana White Mana Eaturecray — Igpay 3/3 Oubleday ikestray
Eneverwhay Atinlay Igpay’s ontrollercay eaksspay ay onnay-Igpay-Atinlay ordway, acrificesay Atinlay Igpay.
Isthay iecepay ofay avorflay exttay oesn’tday eallyray aysay anythingay. U 1 Evkay Alkerway
Shoe Tree G 4 Mana Green Mana Creature — Treefolk 3/3 Shoe Tree comes into play with up to two shoe counters on it. Use your shoes as counters.
Shoe Tree gets +1/+1 for each shoe counter on it.
It grows several feet a year. C 109 Francis Tsai
Goblin Mime R 1 Mana Red Mana Creature — Goblin Mime 2/2 When you speak, sacrifice Goblin Mime. Pretending to be inside an invisible box was easy enough for Brug. It was finding the invisible door that caused him problems. C 78 Franz Vohwinkel
Rocket-Powered Turbo Slug R 3 Mana Red Mana Creature — Slug 3/1 Super haste (This may attack the turn before you play it. (You may put this card into play from your hand, tapped and attacking, during your declare attackers step. If you do, you lose the game at the end of your next turn unless you pay this card’s mana cost during that turn.))   U 87 Franz Vohwinkel
Greater Morphling U 6 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Creature — Shapeshifter 5/5 2 Mana : Greater Morphling gains your choice of banding, bushido 1, double strike, fear, flying, first strike, haste, landwalk of your choice, protection from a color of your choice, provoke, rampage 1, shadow, or trample until end of turn.
2 Mana: Greater Morphling becomes the colors of your choice until end of turn.
2 Mana: Greater Morphling’s type becomes the creature type of your choice until end of turn.
2 Mana: Greater Morphling’s expansion symbol becomes the symbol of your choice until end of turn.
2 Mana: Greater Morphling’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn.
2 Mana: Greater Morphling gets +2/-2 or -2/+2 until end of turn.
2 Mana: Untap Greater Morphling.
  R 34 Greg “Six-Pack” Staples
Avatar of Me U 2 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Creature — Avatar */* Avatar of Me costs 1 Mana more to play for each ten years you’ve been alive.
Avatar of Me’s power is equal to your height in feet and its toughness is equal to your American shoe size. Round to the nearest ½.
Avatar of Me’s color is the color of your eyes.
  R 26 Greg Hildebrandt
Our Market Research Shows That Players Like Really Long Card Names So We Made This Card to Have the Absolute Longest Card Name Ever Elemental G 1 Mana Green Mana Green Mana Creature — Elemental 2/2 Art rampage 2 (Whenever this becomes blocked by a creature, it gets +2/+2 for each creature in the blocker’s art beyond the first.) Just call it OMRSTPLRLCNSW MTCTHTALCNEE for short. C 107 Greg Hildebrandt
Wet Willie of the Damned B 2 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Sorcery   Wet Willie of the Damned deals 2½ damage to target creature or player and you gain 2½ life. Ever the warrior, Glissa responded with a “wedgie from beyond Uranus.” C 66 Greg Staples
Artful Looter U 2 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Human Wizard 1/2 Tap : Draw a card, then discard a card.
Whenever a permanent comes into play that shares an artist with another permanent you control, untap Artful Looter.
PRICELESS PIC PILFERED
Painting Found Abandoned in Graveyard
Merfolk Decry Wizards’ Treatment
C 25 Heather “Erica Gassalasca-Jape” Hudson
My First Tome A 3 Mana Artifact   1 Mana , Tap: Say the flavor text on a card in your hand. Target opponent guesses that card’s name. You may reveal that card. If you do and your opponent guessed wrong, draw a card. This card is named My First Tome. U 125 Heather Hudson
Creature Guy G 3 Mana Green Mana Creature — Beast 3/3 Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says “Creature” or “Guy,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Creature Guy from your graveyard to your hand. There once was a player named Quinn, . . . U 93 Jeff Easley
Gluetius Maximus G 3 Mana Green Mana Green Mana Creature — Beast 5/5 As Gluetius Maximus comes into play, an opponent chooses one of your fingers. (Thumbs are fingers, too.)
When the chosen finger isn’t touching Gluetius Maximus, sacrifice Gluetius Maximus.
  U 98 Jeff Easley
Sauté R 1 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Instant   Sauté deals 3½ damage to target creature or player. “Selecting the proper beeble is the key to a good sauté. The pinker the fur and the heartier the yelp, the more succulent the beeble will be when you pop it in your mouth.”
—Asmoranomardicad- aistinaculdacar,
The Underworld Cookbook
C 88 Jeff Miracola
Topsy Turvy U 2 Mana Blue Mana Enchantment   The phases of each player’s turn are reversed. (The phases are, in reverse order, end, postcombat main, combat, precombat main, and beginning.)
If there are more than two players in the game, the turn order is reversed.
“Here on going is heck the what?” R 47 Jeff Miracola
Assquatch R 4 Mana Red Mana Creature — Donkey Lord 3½/3½ Each other Donkey gets +1½/+1½.
Whenever another Donkey comes into play, untap target creature and gain control of it until end of turn. That creature gains haste until end of turn.
Who wants to see a picture of a big hairy ass? R 71 Jeremy Jarvis
Fat Ass G 4 Mana Green Mana Creature — Donkey Shaman 2/3½ Fat Ass gets +2/+2 and has trample as long as you’re eating. (Food is in your mouth and you’re chewing, licking, sucking, or swallowing it.) Our lawyers say no matter how funny it would be, we can’t encourage players to eat the cards. Hear that? Whatever you do, don’t eat the delicious cards. C 95 Jeremy Jarvis
Red-Hot Hottie R 2 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Creature — Elemental 2/5 Whenever Red-Hot Hottie deals damage to a creature, put a third-degree-burn counter on that creature. It has “At the end of each turn, sacrifice this creature unless you scream ‘Aaah!’ at the top of your lungs.” She was winning the Dominarian “Are You Hot?” competition until disaster struck during the wet T-shirt round. C 86 Jeremy Jarvis
Circle of Protection: Art W 1 Mana White Mana Enchantment   As Circle of Protection: Art comes into play, choose an artist.
1 ManaWhite Mana: The next time a source of your choice by the chosen artist would deal damage to you this turn, prevent that damage.
1 ManaWhite Mana: Return Circle of Protection: Art to its owner’s hand.
  C 6 Jim “Stop the Da Vinci Beatdown” Pavelec
Land Aid ’04 G Green Mana Green Mana Sorcery   Search your library for a basic land card, put that card into play tapped, then shuffle your library. If you sang a song the whole time you were searching and shuffling, you may untap that land.   C 102 Jim Nelson
Side to Side G 2 Mana Green Mana Instant   You and target opponent arm-wrestle. If you win, put a 3/3 green Ape creature token into play. His friends at the gym never knew Garanth’s secret shame. For years he had tried to walk away from professional arm wrestling, but hey—free monkeys. U 110 Jim Nelson
Frazzled Editor R 1 Mana Red Mana Creature — Human Bureaucrat 2/2 Protection from wordy (Something is wordy if it has four or more lines of text in its text box.) The pen is mightier than the sword. C 77 Jim Pavelec
Punctuate R 3 Mana Red Mana Instant   Punctuate deals damage to target creature equal to half the number of punctuation marks in that creature’s text box. (The punctuation marks are ! ? , ; : - — ( ) / " ' & .) “Ooh—right in the colon.” C 84 Jim Pavelec
Granny’s Payback G 7 Mana Green Mana Sorcery   You gain life equal to your age. R&D Comments
BB 10/10: Why does a life-gaining card show an old lady killing people?
MR (10/10/03): We’ll fix it in the flavor text.
U 99 Joel Thomas
City of Ass L   Land   City of Ass comes into play tapped.
Tap: Add one and one-half mana of any one color to your mana pool.
“But . . .” R 134 John Avon
Forest L   Basic Land — Forest       L 140 John Avon
Island L   Basic Land — Island       L 137 John Avon
Mountain L   Basic Land — Mountain       L 139 John Avon
Plains L   Basic Land — Plains       L 136 John Avon
R&D’s Secret Lair L   Legendary Land   Play cards as written. Ignore all errata.
Tap: Add 1 Mana to your mana pool.
“Let them complain. As long as the addictive ink is working, we can do anything we want.”
PLAY AT YOUR OWN RISK
R 135 John Avon
Swamp L   Basic Land — Swamp       L 138 John Avon
Time Machine A 5 Mana Artifact   Tap : Remove Time Machine and target nontoken creature you own from the game. Return both cards to play at the beginning of your upkeep on your turn X of the next game you play with the same opponent, where X is the removed creature’s converted mana cost.   R 128 John Avon
Loose Lips U Blue Mana Enchant Creature   As Loose Lips comes into play, choose a sentence with eight or fewer words.
Enchanted creature has flying.
Whenever enchanted creature deals damage to an opponent, you draw two cards unless that player says the chosen sentence.
Your sentence can’t be longer than this one. C 36 John Matson
Rare-B-Gone Z 2 Mana Black Mana Red Mana Sorcery   Each player sacrifices all rare permanents, then reveals his or her hand and discards all rare cards. The only rare you’ll ever need. Okay, not really. R 119 John Matson
Moniker Mage U 2 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Human Wizard 2/2 Blue Mana , Say your middle name: Moniker Mage can’t be the target of spells or abilities this turn.
Blue Mana, Say an opponent’s middle name: Moniker Mage gains flying until end of turn.
  C 39 Keith Garletts
Johnny, Combo Player U 2 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Legendary Creature — Human Gamer 1/1 4 Mana : Search your library for a card and put that card into your hand. Then shuffle your library. “Just wait till I get my Krark-Clan Ironworks, Genesis Chamber, and Grinding Station. Oh yeah, and a second Myr Retriever.” R 35 Kensuke Okabayashi
Phyrexian Librarian B 3 Mana Black Mana Creature — Horror 3/3 Flying, trample
At the beginning of your upkeep, remove the top card of your library from the game face up and balance it on your body.
When a balanced card falls or touches another balanced card, sacrifice Phyrexian Librarian.
  U 62 Kev Walker
Mox Lotus A 15 Mana Artifact   Tap : Add Infinite Colorless Mana to your mana pool.
100 Mana: Add one mana of any color to your mana pool.
You don’t lose life due to mana burn.
  R 124 Kevin Dobler
Remodel G 2 Mana Green Mana Instant   If you control two or more green permanents that share an artist, you may play Remodel without paying its mana cost.
Remove target artifact from the game.
6 PM (23) This Old Grove 98055
A rusted masticore makes a beautiful addition to any garden.
C 108 Lars Grant-“Wild Wild”-West
Toy Boat A 3 Mana Artifact Creature — Ship 3/3 Cumulative upkeep—Say “Toy Boat” quickly. (At the beginning of your upkeep, put an age counter on Toy Boat, then sacrifice it unless you say “Toy Boat” once for each age counter on it—without pausing between or fumbling it.)   U 130 Lars Grant-West
Monkey Monkey Monkey G 3 Mana Green Mana Creature — Ape 1/1 As Monkey Monkey Monkey comes into play, choose a letter.
Monkey Monkey Monkey gets +1/+1 for each nonland permanent whose name begins with the chosen letter.
Many matches make more madcap monkey mayhem. C 104 Liz Danforth
Symbol Status G 2 Mana Green Mana Green Mana Sorcery   Put a 1/1 colorless Expansion-Symbol creature token into play for each different expansion symbol among permanents you control. “Everyone break into teams. Weaponry, you’re with me. Nature group, meet by the palm tree. Stoneworks and metalworks, follow the anvil. Everyone else, gather around the giant V.”
—Sword of Kaldra
U 114 Liz Danforth
Enter the Dungeon B Black Mana Black Mana Sorcery   Players play a Magic subgame under the table starting at 5 life, using their libraries as their decks. After the subgame ends, the winner searches his or her library for two cards, puts those cards into his or her hand, then shuffles his or her library.   R 53 Luca Zontini
Rod of Spanking A 1 Mana Artifact   2 Mana , Tap: Rod of Spanking deals 1 damage to target player. Then untap Rod of Spanking unless that player says “Thank you, sir. May I have another?” Minutes before the campus watch busted pledge week at the Alpha Beta Unlimited house . . . U 127 Mark Brill
Water Gun Balloon Game A 2 Mana Artifact   As Water Gun Balloon Game comes into play, each player puts a pop! counter on a 0.
Whenever a player plays a spell, move that player’s pop! counter up 1.
Whenever a player’s pop! counter hits 5, that player puts a 5/5 pink Giant Teddy Bear creature token into play and resets all pop! counters to 0.
  R 132 Mark Brill
Fraction Jackson G 2 Mana Green Mana Creature — Human Hero 1/1½ Green Mana , Tap: Return target card with a ½ on it from your graveyard to your hand. Bitten by radioactive beebles in a freak algebra accident, young Ricky Robertson discovered he’d gained the ability to harness the awesome power of fractions! R 97 Mark Poole
Laughing Hyena G 1 Mana Green Mana Creature — Hyena 2/2 Gotcha — Whenever an opponent laughs, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Laughing Hyena from your graveyard to your hand. “Two muffins are baking in an oven. One muffin says to the other muffin, ‘It’s getting hot in here, huh?’ The other muffin says, ‘Aagh! A talking muffin!’” C 103 Mark Poole
Necro-Impotence B Black Mana Black Mana Black Mana Enchantment   Skip your untap step.
At the beginning of your upkeep, you may pay X life. If you do, untap X permanents.
Pay ½ life: Remove the top card of your library from the game face down. Put that card into your hand at end of turn.
  R 60 Mark Tedin
Tainted Monkey B 1 Mana Black Mana Creature — Ape 1/1 Tap : Choose a word. Target player puts the top card of his or her library into his or her graveyard. If that card has the chosen word in its text box, that player loses 3 life. “C’mon, choose ‘monkey.’ Everybody loves monkeys!” C 64 Mark Zug
Pointy Finger of Doom A 4 Mana Artifact   3 Mana , Tap: Spin Pointy Finger of Doom in the middle of the table so that it rotates completely at least once, then destroy the closest permanent the finger points to. “I would have made a ‘Spin-The-Bottle’ joke if I thought anyone reading this had ever played the game.”
—Bucky, flavor text writer
R 126 Martina Pilcerova
Zombie Fanboy B 2 Mana Black Mana Creature — Zombie Gamer 1/1 As Zombie Fanboy comes into play, choose an artist.
Whenever a permanent by the chosen artist is put into a graveyard, put two +1/+1 counters on Zombie Fanboy.
The real advantage of being a zombie gamer? No one notices the stench. U 69 Matt “I’m Your Boy” Cavotta
Mise U Blue Mana Instant   Name a nonland card, then reveal the top card of your library. If that card is the named card, draw three cards. mise 'miz v [alter. of might as well] (1997) 1: to win when you don’t deserve to 2: to top-deck the “tings” you need 3: to be rewarded by an opponent’s bad luck 4: to coin a phrase that spreads through the tournament scene like wildfire 5: to fling a monkey 6: to split firewood using a sharp instrument 7: To burn U 38 Matt Cavotta
Curse of the Fire Penguin R 4 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Enchant Creature   Curse of the Fire Penquin consumes and confuses enchanted creature.
-----
Creature — Penguin
Trample
When this creature is put into a graveyard from play, return Curse of the Fire Penguin from your graveyard to play.
6/5
  R 73 Matt Thompson
Orcish Paratroopers R 2 Mana Red Mana Creature — Orc Paratrooper 4/4 When Orcish Paratroopers comes into play, flip it from a height of at least one foot. Sacrifice Orcish Paratroopers unless it lands face up after turning over completely. IOU one parashoot
—Urk, mogg fanatic
C 83 Matt Thompson
Eye to Eye B 2 Mana Black Mana Instant   You and target creature’s controller have a staring contest. If you win, destroy that creature. True, Gargox had blinded himself for life, but the glass eyes never lost. U 54 Michael Sutfin
Mana Screw A 1 Mana Artifact   1 Mana : Flip a coin. If you win the flip, add 2 Mana to your mana pool. Play this ability only any time you could play an instant. There was no darker or more evil creation in all the multiverse than that of the mana screw. U 123 Mike Raabe
Mana Flair R 1 Mana Red Mana Instant   Add Red Mana to your mana pool for each nonland permanent by the artist of your choice. What began as black
Has slowly shifted to red.
Fickle color pie.
C 81 Paolo “That’s Actually Me” Parente
Drawn Together W 2 Mana White Mana White Mana Enchantment   As Drawn Together comes into play, choose an artist.
Creatures by the chosen artist get +2/+2.
“My Pete Venters theme deck is nearly complete. Then I shall be unstoppable! Bwahahahaaa!”
—Pete Venters
R 8 Pete “Fear Me” Venters
Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) W 2 Mana White Mana Instant   If you control two or more white permanents that share an artist, you may play Erase (Not the Urza’s Legacy One) without paying its mana cost.
Remove target enchantment from the game.
Synonyms for “erase” we haven’t used: ablate, abrade, chafe, fray, frazzle, scuff, and scrub. C 10 Pete “Yes the Urza’s Legacy One” Venters
Mons's Goblin Waiters R Red Mana Creature — Goblin Waiter 1/1 Sacrifice a creature or land: Add Half a Red Mana to your mana pool. Poached Rukh Eggs
Rock
Cooked Rock
Unicorn-on-the-Cob
Wormfang Turtle Soup
C 82 Pete Venters
Zzzyxas’s Abyss B 1 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Enchantment   At the beginning of your upkeep, destroy all nonland permanents with the first name alphabetically among nonland permanents in play. Tired of always being picked last, the wizard Zzzyxas created the ultimate revenge. R 70 Pete Venters
“Ach! Hans, Run!” Z 2 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Green Mana Green Mana Enchantment   At the beginning of your upkeep, you may say “Ach! Hans, run! It’s the . . .” and name a creature card. If you do, search your library for the named card, put it into play, then shuffle your library. That creature has haste. Remove it from the game at end of turn.   R 116 Quinton Hoover
Emcee W 2 Mana White Mana Creature — Human Rogue 0/1 Whenever another creature comes into play, you may stand up and say in a deep, booming voice “Presenting . . . ” and that creature’s name. If you do, put a +1/+1 counter on that creature. The ogre appealed the match loss and got it downgraded to a warning. U 9 Quinton Hoover
Cheap Ass W 1 Mana White Mana Creature — Donkey Townsfolk 1/3½ Spells you play cost One-Half Mana less to play. And you thought Yawgmoth drove a hard bargain. C 5 Randy Gallegos
Face to Face R 1 Mana Red Mana Sorcery   You and target opponent play a best two-out-of-three Rock, Paper, Scissors match. If you win, Face to Face deals 5 damage to that opponent. Befuddled by this new game, Argg longed for the days of Rock, Rock, Rock. U 76 Randy Gallegos
Standing Army W 2 Mana White Mana White Mana Creature — Human Soldier 2/4 As long as you’re standing, Standing Army has vigilance. (Attacking doesn’t cause it to tap.) They’re the chair-men of the bored. C 20 Randy Gallegos
Save Life W White Mana Instant   Choose one — Target player gains 2½ life; or prevent the next 2½ damage that would be dealt to target creature this turn.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says “Save” or “Life,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Save Life from your graveyard to your hand.
Who consistently managed to win. U 19 Ray Lago
When Fluffy Bunnies Attack B 3 Mana Black Mana Instant   Target creature gets -X/-X until end of turn, where X is the number of times the letter of your choice appears in that creature’s name. “Get it? Bunnies, letters, -X/-X? Me neither.”
—Bucky, flavor text writer
C 67 Ray Lago
Persecute Artist B 1 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Sorcery   Choose an artist other than Rebecca Guay. Target player reveals his or her hand and discards all nonland cards by the chosen artist. The torches and pitchforks were no match for Rebecca’s fans. U 61 Rebecca “Don’t Mess with Me” Guay
Little Girl W Half a White Mana Creature — Human Child ½/½   In the future, she may be a distinguished leader, a great scholar, or a decorated hero. These days all she does is pee the bed. C 16 Rebecca Guay-Mitchell
Cardpecker W 1 Mana White Mana Creature — Bird 1½/1 Flying
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent touches the table with his or her hand, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Cardpecker from your graveyard to your hand.
  C 4 Richard Sardinha
Double Header U 3 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Creature — Drake 2/3 Flying
When Double Header comes into play, you may return target permanent with a two-word name to its owner’s hand.
Players that don’t read flavor text aren’t too bright, sorta smell, and dress funny. But let’s just keep this between us, okay? They can get kind of violent. C 31 Richard Sardinha
Staying Power W 2 Mana White Mana Enchantment   As long as Staying Power is in play, “until end of turn” and “this turn” effects don’t end. Mongo’s fleas no longer bothered him. But the family of goblins that had moved in behind his left ear was starting to get really irritating. R 21 Richard Sardinha
Gleemax A  Mana Legendary Artifact   You choose all targets for all spells and abilities. Help us . . . R&D under mental domination of alien brain in jar . . . only chance . . . Gleemax’s blatant disregard for flavor text . . . send help! R 121 Richard Thomas
Ladies’ Knight W 3 Mana White Mana Creature — Human Knight 2/2 Flying
Spells that players wearing at least one item of women’s clothing play cost 1 Mana less to play. (Women’s clothing is designed to be worn exclusively by women.)
“I said ‘Put him in a core set, not a corset!’”
—Richard Garfield, Ph.D.
U 15 rk post
Brushstroke Paintermage U 3 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Human Wizard 2/3 Tap : Target permanent’s artist becomes the artist of your choice until end of turn. He gives credit where credit isn’t due. C 27 Ron “Don’t You Dare Change Me” Spears
Farewell to Arms B 1 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Enchantment   As Farewell to Arms comes into play, choose a hand attached to an opponent’s arm.
When the chosen hand isn’t behind its owner’s back, sacrifice Farewell to Arms. If you do, that player discards his or her hand . . . of cards. (The lawyers wouldn’t let us do it the other way.)
  C 56 Ron Lemen
_____ U 1 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Shapeshifter 1/1 1 Mana : This card’s name becomes the name of your choice. Play this ability anywhere, anytime. 1 Mana : This card’s flavor text becomes the flavor text of your choice. (This ability doesn’t work because it’s flavor text, not rules text (but neither does this reminder text, so you figure it out).) U 23 Ron Spears
B-I-N-G-O G 1 Mana Green Mana Creature — Hound 1/1 Trample
Whenever a player plays a spell, put a chip counter on its converted mana cost.
B-I-N-G-O gets +9/+9 for each set of three numbers in a row with chip counters on them.
There was a farmer, had a hound . . . R 92 Ron Spencer
Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil B 8 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Creature — Demon Child 8/8 Flying, first strike, trample
If you say “I’m coming, too!” as you search your library, you may pay 1 ManaBlack Mana and reveal Infernal Spawn of Infernal Spawn of Evil from your library to have it deal 2 damage to a player of your choice. Do this no more than once each turn.
  R 57 Ron Spencer
Wordmail W White Mana Enchant Creature   Enchanted creature gets +1/+1 for each word in its name. “Suck on it, Stangg!”
—Sol’kanar the Swamp King
C 22 Ron Spencer
Deal Damage R 2 Mana Red Mana Red Mana Instant   Deal Damage deals 4 damage to target creature or player.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says “Deal” or “Damage,” you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Deal Damage from your graveyard to your hand.
Until he got singed . . . U 74 Scott M. Fischer
Ambiguity U 2 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Enchantment   Whenever a player plays a spell that counters a spell that has been played or a player plays a spell that comes into play with counters, that player may counter the next spell played or put an additional counter on a permanent that has already been played, but not countered.   R 24 Stephen Daniele
Number Crunch U 2 Mana Blue Mana Instant   Return target permanent to its owner’s hand.
Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says a number, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return Number Crunch from your graveyard to your hand.
Can you digit? C 42 Stephen Daniele
AWOL W 2 Mana White Mana Instant   Remove target attacking creature from the game. Then remove it from the removed-from-game zone and put it into the absolutely-removed-from-the-freaking-game-forever zone.   C 2 Stephen Tappin
Urza’s Hot Tub A 2 Mana Artifact   2 Mana , Discard a card: Search your library for a card that shares a complete word in its name with the discarded card, reveal it, and put it into your hand. Then shuffle your library. www.wizards.com/hottub U 131 Stephen Tappin
First Come, First Served W 1 Mana White Mana Enchantment   The attacking or blocking creature with the lowest collector number has first strike. If two or more creatures are tied, they all have first strike. The Yotian soldiers hoped that one day R&D would make an artifact creature whose name starts with Z. And in their dreams, it’s a 4/1. U 12 Thomas Gianni
Head to Head W White Mana Instant   You and target opponent play Seven Questions about the top card of that player’s library. (That player looks at the card, then you ask up to six yes-or-no questions about the card that he or she answers truthfully. You guess the card’s name—that’s question seven—and the player reveals the card.) If you win, prevent all damage that would be dealt this turn by a source of your choice.   U 14 Thomas Gianni
Bad Ass B 2 Mana Black Mana Black Mana Creature — Donkey Zombie 3½/1 1 Mana Black Mana , Growl: Regenerate Bad Ass. He wanders the land in search of Good Ass. C 49 Thomas M. Baxa
Frankie Peanuts W 2 Mana White Mana White Mana Legendary Creature — Elephant Rogue 2/3 At the beginning of your upkeep, you may ask target player a yes-or-no question. If you do, that player answers the question truthfully and abides by that answer if able until end of turn. Don’t cross him or you’ll end up sleeping with the merfolk. R 13 Thomas M. Baxa
Elvish House Party G 4 Mana Green Mana Green Mana Creature — Elf Rogue */* Elvish House Party’s power and toughness are each equal to the current hour, using the twelve-hour system. The party was going strong for nearly an hour past midnight—then all of a sudden it just petered out. U 94 Thomas Manning
Carnivorous Death-Parrot U 1 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Bird 2/2 Flying
At the beginning of your upkeep, sacrifice Carnivorous Death-Parrot unless you say its flavor text.
Save a kill spell to deal with this guy. C 29 Tim Hildebrandt
Flaccify U 2 Mana Blue Mana Instant   Counter target spell unless its controller pays  Mana. “Don’t worry about it. It happens to every mage sooner or later.” C 32 Tim Hildebrandt
Goblin Secret Agent R 2 Mana Red Mana Creature — Goblin Rogue 2/2 First strike
At the beginning of your upkeep, reveal a card from your hand at random.
SECRET AGENT
PD042198
LICENSE TO BE KILLED
C 79 Tony Szczudlo
Name Dropping G 1 Mana Green Mana Enchantment   Gotcha — Whenever an opponent says a word that’s in the name of a card in your graveyard, you may say “Gotcha!” If you do, return that card to your hand. Gemini (May 21–June 21) This week is a good time to branch out and meet others, but don’t forget your roots. Avoid commitments and open flame. U 105 Tony Szczudlo
Now I Know My ABC’s U 1 Mana Blue Mana Blue Mana Enchantment   At the beginning of your upkeep, if you control permanents with names that include all twenty-six letters of the English alphabet, you win the game. The quick onyx goblin jumps over the lazy dwarf. R 41 Tony Szczudlo
Vile Bile B 1 Mana Black Mana Creature — Ooze 2½/2½ Whenever a player’s skin or fingernail touches Vile Bile, that player loses 2 life.   C 65 Tony Szczudlo
Smart Ass U 2 Mana Blue Mana Creature — Donkey Wizard 2½/1 Whenever Smart Ass attacks, name a card. Defending player may reveal his or her hand and show you that the named card isn’t there. If that player doesn’t, Smart Ass is unblockable this turn. “I don’t get it. Why doesn’t anybody like me?” C 45 Trevor Hairsine
Uktabi Kong G 5 Mana Green Mana Green Mana Green Mana Creature — Ape 8/8 Trample
When Uktabi Kong comes into play, destroy all artifacts.
Tap two untapped Apes you control: Put a 1/1 green Ape creature token into play.
“I desire the acquisition of a potassium-rich fruit comestible of substantial magnitude.” R 115 Una Fricker
Graphic Violence G 2 Mana Green Mana Instant   All creatures by the artist of your choice get +2/+2 and gain trample until end of turn. WARNING: THE DOMINARIAN SURGEON GENERAL HAS FOUND THAT SAVAGE BEATINGS CAN LEAD TO CHUMP BLOCKS, LIFE REDUCTION, AND EVEN GAME LOSS. C 100 Wayne “King of” England
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